Week 15: Reality.

As you read this, I want you to know that I am not depressed. I do not need sympathy. I know it may seem like it, but I am merely stating reality as I currently view it.

I used to see the world in pictures and color. Lately, my vision is clouded by some unknown thing. It may be distraction, it may be anger, pessimism or even a thin layer of sadness. I miss the days where I'd wake up and he ideas would flow through my brain, and hopes would run high. I have been taking measures to regain that blissful optimism but results have yet to be seen.

It's funny, you can find yourself surrounded by people all the time, but feel totally alone. You have fun, but the feeling isn't genuine. Even amongst your closest friends, you feel the need to have your guard up for fear of back-biting and back-stabbing. I do not remember that existing in the past. Maybe my youthful mind left me oblivious to it. Maybe I was the cause of it. Maybe I chose not to let it affect me so. I believe what affects me the most is how blunt and blatant it all has become. No one hides their shame. It's all published to the world. I recently discussed this with the person I hold most dear, and they agreed to a certain extent. So it did help me to know I wasn't the only one plagued by these feelings of loneliness. Is it the times we live in? Or is it just bad luck? Am I old fashioned? Am I just a baby? Perhaps.

I let people believe that I am a lot more oblivious to the world than I am. It's my way of testing trust and loyalty; true friendship. Maybe I should go about it in a different way. Maybe that's my problem. But in that way, I've found who I can trust and who only tells me what I want to hear to save themselves.

But life isn't all loneliness and pessimism for me. There are many things that get me through the day. I look back to my time in the Lord's service and I remember what is most important. More important than my problems; more important than what's current. It's the Gospel. Now, I promised not to get preachy publically, but I will say, it is the only thing that has provided me with the relief I need as of late. It's where I find solace in unsettling times.

Now, I promise to have a happier post the next time around. I refuse to let myself drown in such pessimistic feelings. And I hope that I can once again view the world in photos as I once did. That would be a giant leap forward.

T.